I want a Divorce

*knock knock*  Is anyone out there?

It's been a while.

I'm not writing this post for anyone except myself.  If you're reading it, it's not because I led you here.  I'm just trying to give myself a swift kick in the ass.

It's time to wake up.  It's time to stop screwing around with my life.  It's time to start behaving as if I want to live.

Because right now, I'm dying.

I'm not in immediate physical peril, but I am dying.  My biggest issue is that I'm accelerating the process with choices that are obviously detrimental to my well-being.  In the last couple of years - the time between writing my last post and this one - I've seen some pretty dramatic (and mostly negative) changes in my corpus mundi.

First and most obvious is the fact that I am bloated and fat around the middle.  I'm squeezing my ass into 38" pants - a far cry from the 34" pants that I was wearing just a couple of years ago.  How much discomfort is required to break the pattern of destructive behaviors that will quite literally kill me much sooner than I am ready?  Reflect back to yesterday and the 36" adjustable waist pants that you were wearing that felt like they were crushing your junk every time you sat down.  Do you need to feel like you're trapping your nuts in a fabric vise every day before you say, "Screw this.  Let's fix it"?

You haven't slept in a proper bed for years.  The couch is being ruined because your loud-ass snoring self is sleeping on it night after night.  The effects of this behavior are obvious - your wife sleeps alone in a separate room because your wall-shaking snoring keeps her awake; your relationship with her WILL suffer ill effects of such separation.  Do you even care?

Your body is constantly racked with pain.  Your knees are being stretched beyond their normal limits.  Your shoulders are constantly in pain due to the way you fold them over each other at night.

Your example to others in the dojo is not a good one.  You are yudansha.  Your body is one area of the self that you should control, and yet you treat your body with contempt.  Is that what you want for students who look to you for what it means to be yudansha?  Is that honor so insignificant that you blow off the responsibility of being a proper example?

Let's not forget that nidan testing is coming, and in your condition the test might very well kill you.

Yours is not healthy behavior.

And what's with all of the shit you are eating?  Your online bank statement reads like a who's who of fast food joints in town.  Whatever happened to eating food... you know - REAL food.  Fruits, vegetables, whole meats - that stuff that is good for you - should be the norm, not the preservative-laden pseudo-food that you've been eating non-stop for the last few years.

Let's list a few other symptoms that are besetting you right now:

• heartburn
• abdominal pain
• ulcers
• headaches
• fatigue
• sore feet
• mood swings
• digestive issues
• crappy skin
• chest pain/pressure
• numbness/burning in your leg (compressed disc)

Man.  Looks like life is great.  You appear to be doing everything right - if you're looking to park yourself in a 6' hole...

Yep.  Time to fix this problem.  And not just for yourself.

C'mon man!  Look at this website you've built here.  Look at the after pics from just a few years ago.  YOU LOOKED EFFING GOOD for a dude in his late 30's/early 40's.  GET THAT SHIT BACK while you're still alive to enjoy it!

Last point, and maybe this will push you down that better road.  4 kids.  You've got 4 kids that are counting on you to see them graduate.  2 girls that want you around to walk them down the aisle.  2 boys that would probably want you to see the kind of man they grew up to be but still need to call when they have a question.  4 kids that want to have a father for years and years to come.  You're dicking around with THEIR futures, pal.  Not just your own.

Now.  When you get home this afternoon, you greet your wife.  You tell her, "Honey.  I love you and the kids very much, and I'm sorry I've been treating my body like shit.  I'm changing things, starting right now."  Then get a bottle of water and drink it.  Grab some good food and eat it.  Then walk that beautiful woman you married down to work and get your ass home, into a change of clothes, and off to the gym.

Sweat.

Breathe.

Struggle a bit.

And live.

And when you get home, take a long hard look in the mirror.  Tell that dying entity looking back at you that you're tired of being in pain.  You're tired of the struggle.  Tell him that you're done with him.  You're moving on.

I want a divorce.  From my lazy, fast-food-eating, unhealthy 'other' side.  And that divorce is final as of today.

44 years old is not too late to change your life.  In fact, it's just the beginning...